Top 10 Blogging Clichés of 2010

humor, blogging 0 comments suggest edit

Dear Reader, I apologize for not blogging much lately. I know, total #fail, but I’ve been so f***ing busy lately. I thought I would start off this new year right with a top ten list FTW!

Without further ado, I present my list of the top 10 blogging clichés of

  1. These are things yours truly would never ever do, right?stones-on-a-beach

  2. The random photo: Starting off the list is a very common one that even gets the very best bloggers, including a random photo in the blog post completely irrelevant to the topic at hand as if trying to meet a stock photography quota for the month. Perhaps you own stock in the stock xchng (or perhaps I should!). At least try to make the photo slightly relevant so it adds something to the post.
  3. “Dear Reader”:Is there a more patronizingly boorish phrase to use to refer to those reading your blog than “Dear Reader”. Do you know if the person reading your blog is dear? Seriously, he or she could be a total prick who’s only redeeming quality is that he or she clicks on your AdSense link so you can buy a cup of coffee in two years. Do you realize that the person reading the blog might be me? I’m a total jerk and I don’t click on your ad links, but you just complimented me. Ha! When I read a blog post that uses the phrase “Dear Reader” what I see in my head is “Dear random person that I hope clicks on my ads”. I’ve used it at least five times. Don’t be like me.
  4. Apologizing for not posting regularly: I have a dirty little secret, nobody gives a flying f*** whether or not you’re posting regularly (unless you’re Randall Munroe, then we absolutely do care), so stop apologizing for it. They’re all using some sort of RSS aggregator in the first place so they didn’t even have a clue to how lame you are up until the point that just reminded them. Great job Sport!
  5. Using f*** when you really meant to say “fuck”: It’s just a fucking word! If you really mean to use it for emphasis, just fucking use it! Nobody, in the history of humanity, ever lost his sight, hearing, or sanity from reading the word fuck. Not to mention that you’re not fooling anyone when you type f***. Do you really have such a low opinion of your readers that you think they’re sitting there thinking “Gee, I wonder wonder what word that could be? Good thing he asterisked the fuck out of that word because I might go blind if he had spelled it out.”
  6. Overusing the word “fuck”: Whoa nelly! Just because it’s ok to unmask those asterisks from time to time doesn’t mean we should go overboard here. Slowly back away from the “F” key. The word is meant to be very lightly sprinkled to pack a powerful punch when you need it. It’s not meant to be poured liberally like salt in a futile attempt to salvage taste from your awful cooking.
  7. “Wah wah, I’m so busy.”:You know what, we’re all fucking busy, so shut your pie hole about it already.
  8. “Hinting at a super secret project you can’t reveal just yet.”: Yeah yeah, we get it. You know something we don’t know so you’re going to rub our faces in it like a bad little doggy who just did a no-no. Bad doggy! This may even be the reason you’re “so busy”. Well I have news for you…wait for it. Wait for it. Nobody cares! Maybe your project really is the next big thing since that little plastic triangle thingy that holds the pizza box up away from the cheese. Really, that thing is awesome! Maybe your project is better than that, but if you can’t talk about it yet, you’re just wasting bandwidth. Once again, shut your pie hole until you can talk about it.
  9. Top ten lists, for all values of “ten”:Top ten (or eight, or eleven, or any number) lists are a cop out. You know it, I know it, and your readers know it. Top ten lists are what happens when a blogger is in the middle of writing a blog post apologizing for not posting regularly and thinks, “What the f*** am I apologizing for?! I know, I’ll write a top ten list of the varieties of lint I found in my belly button.” Yeah, you’ll make the front page of Reddit, but at what cost of your soul, dear reader? What cost?
  10. Name Dropping:So just last year I was chatting with my friends Jeff Atwood (aka CodingHorror), George Clooney, and Miguel De Icaza (aka Mr. Mono) about how lame it is to name drop. There’s nothing lamer than that except for name dropping about fictitious events that never happened. Seriously, nobody is going to change their opinion of how lame you are just because you happened to have seen the neighbor of the third cousin of Bruce Schneier from across the conference hall floor (but if you did, high five right atcha!).
  11. “FTW!” Yes, we all know you’re so hard core and like to express your enthusiasm while simultaneously tweaking your nose at the powers that be, but seriously now. You’re all growed up and it’s time to lay this one to rest, in the same way you no longer play with your GI Joes except when the wife has the kids at her mother’s. One exception to this rule, it’s perfectly fine to use it on Twitter, but only because of its brevity and only until we come up with something better.

Yes, some of these clichés were also noted back in 2007 as reported in CodingHorror, but apparently nobody got the memo as they were still going strong in

  1. Now it is 2011 and I’ve made a new years resolution to avoid such blogging clichés. How am I doing so far?

Probably about as well as my resolution to stop procrastinating, which I made after the new year, so I’m not off to a good start on that one either. Winking
smile

Before you flame me about this blog post, this was all in good fun. I love top 10 lists for binary values of 10!

Found a typo or error? Suggest an edit! If accepted, your contribution is listed automatically here.

Comments

avatar

34 responses

  1. Avatar for Bertrand Le Roy
    Bertrand Le Roy January 2nd, 2011

    Uh oh, somebody's in a bad mood.

  2. Avatar for haacked
    haacked January 2nd, 2011

    @Bertrand ha ha. Not in a bad mood. Trying to be funny because I noticed that so many of my own blog posts violated these cliches. ;) I thought the irony of that would come through. ;)

  3. Avatar for Chris
    Chris January 2nd, 2011

    You should add "Future Predictions of the New Year" to your list of overplayed cliches in blogging. These just waste more bandwidth and pollute Google with results that are not relavent to what you're searching for because what the post mentions is not real. I don't know how many times I've seen it predicted that "This year will be the year of the Linux desktop." Face it, when Linux is ready for broad consumer adoption on the desktop, there wont be anymore desktops.

  4. Avatar for NC
    NC January 2nd, 2011

    Wish Jeff Failwood's blog would get deleted from the internet, tired of people quoting/linking to his dribble.

  5. Avatar for commenter
    commenter January 2nd, 2011

    This blog post FTW :)

  6. Avatar for Sean Stapleton
    Sean Stapleton January 2nd, 2011

    Ooo! Could we also add anonymously ragging on other people who have the audacity to actually generate a contribution?

  7. Avatar for Mikael Henriksson
    Mikael Henriksson January 2nd, 2011

    This post made me laugh hard on a Monday morning! Thanks for brightening my day! :)

  8. Avatar for Josh Smeaton
    Josh Smeaton January 2nd, 2011

    But I love when Scott Hanselman calls me dear! Makes me shudder in fear delight every time =P

  9. Avatar for Siderite
    Siderite January 2nd, 2011

    At first I was thinking "Phil Haack? That uber .Net guru is saying stuff like that?" then I remembered you are just human; sometimes it's just hard ;) Happy New Year!

  10. Avatar for Terry Brown
    Terry Brown January 2nd, 2011

    ahh, sarcasm with a healthy dose of tongue in cheek - gotta love it :)
    There of course is something wrong with me that I read most of your blog posts and choose a comedy one to do my first comment on! doh!

  11. Avatar for Simon Philp
    Simon Philp January 2nd, 2011

    hmmmmmmm. Here's an image for your next post that touches on 3,4 and 5 :P
    http://www.siphilp.co.uk/im...
    Happy New Year Phil

  12. Avatar for Jim Harte
    Jim Harte January 2nd, 2011

    I had dyslexic moment and read "I’ve been so busy f***ing lately", and thought "whoa, too much information"! Then I thought, "fishing, he must have meant fishing..."

  13. Avatar for Richard
    Richard January 2nd, 2011

    This post is full of win! (sorry)

  14. Avatar for Guillermo Guerini
    Guillermo Guerini January 2nd, 2011

    Hey Phil, not related to the post... I know you're coming to São Paulo, Brazil this year, right? So we should play soccer man. Let's keep in touch and I can take you to a nice "churrascaria" as well. Take care and happy new year!

  15. Avatar for The Luddite Developer
    The Luddite Developer January 2nd, 2011

    Dear blogger, my apologies for not replying to your posts on a more regular basis, but I have just been so f***ing busy working on my new super secret project which is bound to make every top 10 for 2011 and will have Scott Hanselman, Pete Brown, the Gu and your (dear) self cheering FTW.

  16. Avatar for Mutahhar
    Mutahhar January 2nd, 2011

    Well gr8 little piece, but you said no TOP ** Lists but this is one itself ! Gr8 piece though :)

  17. Avatar for counsellorben
    counsellorben January 2nd, 2011

    Now I know why I can never write a blog.
    I would fall victim to using every single cliché. (Well, that, and no one would give a flying f*** [except my dear friend A_______ J____]).
    Well, back to work on my world-changing project.

  18. Avatar for Mike Christian
    Mike Christian January 2nd, 2011

    #11: The completely useless comment:
    "Pfft w/e dude."

  19. Avatar for Sergio Pereira
    Sergio Pereira January 2nd, 2011

    Haha. This list includes almost all the my personal Top 10 as well. Another big one for me are blog post titles (or sections in a post/article) starting with a gerund: "Fixing blah", "Connecting to blah". Another one if the overuse of the term "blah" ;)

  20. Avatar for Rich Brooks
    Rich Brooks January 2nd, 2011

    Wait, you're complaining about "FTW" being a cliché and you use "all growed up" as part of your argument? How 1996.
    Talk about jumping the shark.

  21. Avatar for Mike Murray
    Mike Murray January 2nd, 2011

    LOL, I never realized what those plastic things in the pizza boxes were for! Thanks for filling me in, haha! :)

  22. Avatar for haacked
    haacked January 2nd, 2011

    @Rich, apparently you missed the irony in the blog post where I violate nearly all of these blogging clichés. :)
    @Guillermo if there's time, would love to play soccer. :)

  23. Avatar for commenter
    commenter January 2nd, 2011

    Surely @Rich is joking - saying 'Jumping the shark' while calling somebody out for using a dated expression. Anyway @Rich, don't have a cow.

  24. Avatar for om
    om January 3rd, 2011

    Hilarious ... WTF ;)

  25. Avatar for Lorenzo Van Eenoo
    Lorenzo Van Eenoo January 3rd, 2011

    Oh my gosh, this blog post is a evil Haack :-)

  26. Avatar for Joe Brinkman
    Joe Brinkman January 3rd, 2011

    There is only one way to respond to a post such as this - by using a list of cliched comments.
    1. WTF
    2. +1
    3. I Love It.
    4. I just added your blog to my list of favourites.
    5. I love the theme on your blog. Did you code this yourself?
    6. Great Post.
    7. Thanks for sharing this one!
    8. You're just saying that because you're a Micro$oft fanboy
    9. An instant classic
    10.Nice read. Very helpful.

  27. Avatar for Jason Kosowan
    Jason Kosowan January 4th, 2011

    You forgot to write it "without further adieu". I love that one.

  28. Avatar for Lee
    Lee January 5th, 2011

    Hey, did you add of 2010 just so the blog post will show up on some early year search or something?
    The list should be Top 10 Blogging Clichés of All Time.

  29. Avatar for Doug
    Doug January 5th, 2011

    Whats more hardcore than calling out all the bloggers in the universe for their lame blogging while feeling superior about it....? :-p

  30. Avatar for Stephen
    Stephen January 5th, 2011

    Some won't get the humor. That's a shame...it made me laugh. Now tell Hanselman to stop being so f***ing smug (saving eyeballs right there) and write something non-Hanselpolishing.

  31. Avatar for Chris Taylor
    Chris Taylor January 6th, 2011

    I swear like a fucking sailor. But when it comes to blogs/other communication, I tend to use the *** as a matter of either
    a) not getting SPAM filtered
    b) I work in the big machine, some people get sensitive about it and call it "unprofessional" therefore hindering my career advancement. That and I'm sick of HR calls. ;)
    I'm sure you're familar with the a philisophy of "Just fucking do it!" If not, here's a link on mine with a slight opinion ;)
    yakshaver.blogspot.com/.../do-it-fuking-now.html
    Good shit though.

  32. Avatar for Captain Obvious
    Captain Obvious May 2nd, 2011

    "Great Post" should be #1. No question about it. The most overused phrase that gets repeated over, and over, and over, and over.

  33. Avatar for Parisa Safaei
    Parisa Safaei September 29th, 2011

    Another cliche is that one should blog to promote one's business.
    This is in every online marketing guide. What's amazing is that the blanket recommendation takes no account of the time and effort involved.
    Surely it makes sense for some, say, those whose trade is largely dependent on online publishing or communication of ideas. For others, electricians, restaurants, etc this makes no sense, except as a hobby.

  34. Avatar for Jukka-Pekka Keisala
    Jukka-Pekka Keisala September 24th, 2012

    I got one: Making comparison post like "iPhone vs. Android" where in the end blogger concludes that there is no winner.