Dear Reader, I apologize for not blogging much lately. I know, total #fail, but I’ve been so f***ing busy lately. I thought I would start off this new year right with a top ten list FTW!
Without further ado, I present my list of the top 10 blogging clichés of 2010. These are things yours truly would never ever do, right?
- The random photo: Starting off the list is a very common one that even gets the very best bloggers, including a random photo in the blog post completely irrelevant to the topic at hand as if trying to meet a stock photography quota for the month. Perhaps you own stock in the stock xchng (or perhaps I should!). At least try to make the photo slightly relevant so it adds something to the post.
- “Dear Reader”: Is there a more patronizingly boorish phrase to use to refer to those reading your blog than “Dear Reader”. Do you know if the person reading your blog is dear? Seriously, he or she could be a total prick who’s only redeeming quality is that he or she clicks on your AdSense link so you can buy a cup of coffee in two years. Do you realize that the person reading the blog might be me? I’m a total jerk and I don’t click on your ad links, but you just complimented me. Ha! When I read a blog post that uses the phrase “Dear Reader” what I see in my head is “Dear random person that I hope clicks on my ads”. I’ve used it at least five times. Don’t be like me.
- Apologizing for not posting regularly: I have a dirty little secret, nobody gives a flying f*** whether or not you’re posting regularly (unless you’re Randall Munroe, then we absolutely do care), so stop apologizing for it. They’re all using some sort of RSS aggregator in the first place so they didn’t even have a clue to how lame you are up until the point that just reminded them. Great job Sport!
- Using f*** when you really meant to say “fuck”: It’s just a fucking word! If you really mean to use it for emphasis, just fucking use it! Nobody, in the history of humanity, ever lost his sight, hearing, or sanity from reading the word fuck. Not to mention that you’re not fooling anyone when you type f***. Do you really have such a low opinion of your readers that you think they’re sitting there thinking “Gee, I wonder wonder what word that could be? Good thing he asterisked the fuck out of that word because I might go blind if he had spelled it out.”
- Overusing the word “fuck”: Whoa nelly! Just because it’s ok to unmask those asterisks from time to time doesn’t mean we should go overboard here. Slowly back away from the “F” key. The word is meant to be very lightly sprinkled to pack a powerful punch when you need it. It’s not meant to be poured liberally like salt in a futile attempt to salvage taste from your awful cooking.
- “Wah wah, I’m so busy.”: You know what, we’re all fucking busy, so shut your pie hole about it already.
- “Hinting at a super secret project you can’t reveal just yet.”: Yeah yeah, we get it. You know something we don’t know so you’re going to rub our faces in it like a bad little doggy who just did a no-no. Bad doggy! This may even be the reason you’re “so busy”. Well I have news for you…wait for it. Wait for it. Nobody cares! Maybe your project really is the next big thing since that little plastic triangle thingy that holds the pizza box up away from the cheese. Really, that thing is awesome! Maybe your project is better than that, but if you can’t talk about it yet, you’re just wasting bandwidth. Once again, shut your pie hole until you can talk about it.
- Top ten lists, for all values of “ten”: Top ten (or eight, or eleven, or any number) lists are a cop out. You know it, I know it, and your readers know it. Top ten lists are what happens when a blogger is in the middle of writing a blog post apologizing for not posting regularly and thinks, “What the f*** am I apologizing for?! I know, I’ll write a top ten list of the varieties of lint I found in my belly button.” Yeah, you’ll make the front page of Reddit, but at what cost of your soul, dear reader? What cost?
- Name Dropping: So just last year I was chatting with my friends Jeff Atwood (aka CodingHorror), George Clooney, and Miguel De Icaza (aka Mr. Mono) about how lame it is to name drop. There’s nothing lamer than that except for name dropping about fictitious events that never happened. Seriously, nobody is going to change their opinion of how lame you are just because you happened to have seen the neighbor of the third cousin of Bruce Schneier from across the conference hall floor (but if you did, high five right atcha!).
- “FTW!” Yes, we all know you’re so hard core and like to express your enthusiasm while simultaneously tweaking your nose at the powers that be, but seriously now. You’re all growed up and it’s time to lay this one to rest, in the same way you no longer play with your GI Joes except when the wife has the kids at her mother’s. One exception to this rule, it’s perfectly fine to use it on Twitter, but only because of its brevity and only until we come up with something better.
Yes, some of these clichés were also noted back in 2007 as reported in CodingHorror, but apparently nobody got the memo as they were still going strong in 2010. Now it is 2011 and I’ve made a new years resolution to avoid such blogging clichés. How am I doing so far?
Probably about as well as my resolution to stop procrastinating, which I made after the new year, so I’m not off to a good start on that one either.